My Chronicles

Tired and Bored

2005-11-12T08:03:00.000-08:00

I am so tired after washing clothes and am bored to death after watching TV....this talking machines sucks . None of my friend is online ( damn i still have more chat friends than friends in real life) . Yesterday night i watched " Deepa Mehta'" " fire. This movie is on lesbians relationship in India ( i would say it happens in Pakistan and Bangladesh too, because these countries have the same culture to some extent) .

Today i washed pile of clothes, than had gone out for dinner. I was back at 12:00 AM, watched TV for atleast two hours and than got bored again. How easily i can get bored.. damn me...
and here i am back to my baby blog thinking what to do.. realization taht i am living in a very bore place causes more frustration inside me.. but i dont know if ever would be able to live in some other country at some other place.

the weather has changed and its winter now. Darkness overcomes light too early here becasue of which i can't go for running. when we ' woman' will be emancipated.. dont know again.. i should get a car now.. this is the time..

Now i am becoming a multi-tasking mind person. I am writing in my blog, talking to my hubby and at the same time i am chatting one my dear friend. Great isn't it.. not everyone can do it. Now i am bored of writing now.. will get back to this space of mine tomorrow...

Eid Gifts Distribution @ Red Crescent Relief Camp

2005-11-01T08:49:00.000-08:00

“ Please join us for Eid gifts distribution among children at Red Crescent Relief Camp Rawalpindi @ 11:30 AM today “ was the message I received from Noreen Mirza, President Rotary Rohatas Rawalpindi today. I decided to take a few hours out for this activity despite I was occupied with completing my East-West Center application. I left my office at 11:00 AM in a cab and headed toward the relief camp. When I reached there at 11:30 AM, I found no member of Rotary club present there. I inquired the club administrator if any delegate from Rotary Club Rawalpindi was expected today or not and received a reply in negative.

I thought for a while standing outside the building where the relief camp was set up thinking what to do. I decided to meet the displaced families and children on my own. I also sent sms to Noreen inquiring when she would reach and immediately got her reply “ I’ll reach shortly”. Many people were moving from here and there with an aim of distributing eid gifts to the October 2005 earthquake affectees. A few of the affectees were sitting outside in the sun. The Relief Camp administrator informed me about some “ Big General’s wife visit” because which the rest of the organizations were asked to wait till evening. “ Its good to be a Big Shot here you can straightened out things for yourself while disturbing things for the rest“ I thought.

In the meanwhile Noreen arrived at the site and we went upstairs where mostly women and children were sitting to receive their gifts. The distribution operation was a total chaos. There were many women complaining, “ We have not received anything yet” though holding some bag in their hands. A few wanted to change the gifts they received because what they had got was either of no use to them or they disliked the donations. The distributed items included clothes for kids and women, toiletries, towel, shampoo and money. Later I discovered that all these accessories were collected and distributed without considering the utility factor.

Women surrounded each visitor to get their share of the gifts. There was no record of who has received what so far. The camp manager retorted at many kids and women and pushed them away with his hands. On inquiry replied that there is no other way of controlling these people. A volunteer who was standing besides me said, “ these people have received so many things in a few days which they would have never imagined through out their life”. I asked her if she knew this fact than why she was here to make donation in kind (the women had some 2000 Rupees which she wanted to give to the children as eidee) and got no answer from her.

Noreen asked me to give the gift packs to the kids, which I did after checking whether the suit inside the gift pack was fit to the kid or not. It was a hectic job or at least I made my it difficult myself. I noticed others giving the full gift packet without confirming whether the gifts distributed would be of any use for the receiver, I decided to stick to my own way of distribution. “ Kids still remember me” I thought when a few of them waved their hands and passed smiles to me. A girl child complained, “ on your last visit you had written my name incorrectly on my bag “, I apologized her, talked to her for a while and went toward other kids. They were sitting silently with miseries on their faces and questions in their eyes. . A 14-year-old boy asked me when would he go back to Muzzafarabad of which I had no answer. I asked him why he wanted to go back to Muzzafarabad he said “ Everyday we are visited by many strange people, I don’t like meeting them but I have been ordered by the camp manager that I have to sit here everyday and encounter whoever is coming. I can’t forget what devastation I have seen and experienced myself on October 8th 2005 and what I am experiencing in this camp. I missed my home because that was my place, I am a stranger in a strange land ”.

“ Are not we making their life more miserable” I asked myself and looked around and found my answer in positive. I felt as if we all were humiliating the affectees by giving them gifts (in kind and cash both) and giving them a message by our gestures “ they are less human than us”. The women were fighting over distribution “ I have an injured 2 years baby boy, please give me two-years child’s clothing”, “ I have not received anything why don’t you give me something”, were the voices around me. I could not figured out why we all were trying to turn them into real time beggars; I felt embarrassed every time when any women came with her hands spread before me requesting for the packed gift items.

I talked to a few people who were there to give eid gifts and shared my concerns with them. Every time when I interrogated “ why you are giving these items without thinking to these people” I received a reply “ Are you nuts. Don’t you see these people deserve our sympathies, care and support in every way. Whatever we are giving them is a kind of support”. “ But would this support be available for them after passing three or four months”, “ Are not we making them handicapped and dependent on us” and got no satisfactory answer regarding their future planning except “ This is relief work, don’t you think so”.

I bombarded them with many questions like, “ Why you are only concentrating your relief efforts in relief camps set in cities like Rawalpindi and Islamabad where already there are so many organizations working, Don’t you think you are replicating by visiting the same places where big relief organizations are already present, Do you think donating in kind and cash is the only support which could be extended to these victims, Why you are not at all thinking about psychological counseling” and again I received the same kind of response which I was given earlier .“ We have very little time left, please stop questioning and let us distribute things among women and kids”. I left them with their distribution activity, bade farewell to the kids and went outside the building because the site of the relief work and my own experience was becoming more and more unbearable for me.

Eid Gifts Distribution @ Red Crescent Relief Camp

2005-11-01T08:34:00.000-08:00

A Visit to Red Crescent’s Relief Camp near Holy Hospital Rawalpindi:

2005-10-26T03:31:00.000-07:00

Today I received a text message from Noreen Mirza (President Rotary Rohtas Rawalpindi). She was asking if I could join her at Red Crescent Relief Camp established in a marriage hall near Holy Hospital. She was supposed to distribute some school bags among school children staying at the Red Crescent Relief Camp. I replied in positive as I wanted to observe to what extent organizations are involved in relief work. I reached at 11:00 AM at the relief camp, Noreen and others were already standing outside the building waiting for other members of Rawalpindi Rohtas Club. I greeted them and than observed silently the displaced people walking around me. I noticed an old man who was walking straight giving an impression as he had lost everything. I went straight toward him, greeted him and inquired what was bothering him. He looked at me for a couple of minutes and than started weeping. The camp in-charge came to my rescue and immediately took the old man inside the camp. Later I came to know that the old man had lost his whole family and his house and he was under shock. There were around 135 families living in that camp and every family had the same kind of story. 40 of the families had already left either to the same place (Muzafaraabd and Bagh) or some families had shifted to their relatives living in Islamabad / Rawalpindi.

In the meanwhile, Noreen asked me to accompany her upstairs as the entire rotary club members had arrived. We went upstairs where the camp management had established a temporary school for the displaced children. Some other organization’s representatives were already present there distributing toys among children and taking photographs. They were exerting their whole strength in taking photographs with the children rather than talking to children and providing a cushion to them. I asked the camp administrator if such type of activity happens there everyday. The camp administrator blurted out his whole frustration before me. He and the volunteer teachers told me that this happened everyday and they were unable to stop such activities and such organizations who were visiting the camp to be in the news. They said that people especially the children were still under trauma and they needed psychological counseling. A volunteer teacher introduced me with a young girl who was not willing to set her foot on floor due to fear of earthquake”. The camp administration could not yet provide psychological counseling to these affectees.

While I was talking to the camp administrator and the volunteer teachers, Noreen and other Rotary club members started distributing bags among children. I let go of the volunteer teachers and the camp administrator and joined Noreen and her team. They were doing the same thing, taking their pictures with kids while distributing bags. The activity was really looking like a forged one and lacked any kind of spirit. I was in a great fix and to get myself out of this situation I started writing names on children’s bags given to them by Noreen and also did some chit chat with them to bring some laughter on their innocent faces.

There were kids between 4-16 years f age and they all were sitting together. Many of them had injuries. Everyone among them was missing his / her home but they had no idea how long would they stay at this relief camp. A 14 years old boy told me that all of the schools in Muzzafarabad had collapsed due to earthquake except his school. He said we came out of our school building when second aftershock jolted Muzzafarabad. Another boy said that around 200 hundred students of his school were dead and many got injured. I heard similar stories from boys and girls while talking and writing their names on their bags. I was so busy talking to them that I could not realize that I was left alone there with those kids and the rest of the people were standing and waiting for me on stairs outside that erected tent school. I wave good-bye to the kids and also came out of that temporary tent with lots of questions in my mind.

I wondered why relief organizations were not prioritizing the immediate needs of the affectees. I could not understand the reason behind distributing school bags with notebooks among children of whatever age group they belong to. I recalled my experience of visiting an Afghan refugee camp in Chaman (Quetta) where due to abundance of aid thrown by the relief organizations; the afghan refuges were not willing to go back to their homeland. The relief money had created a dependency to this level that if they were asked to send their children to school they were demanding dollars (give us dollars and we will send our children to school). I compared the two relief efforts and came to the conclusion that relief organizations and government has not learnt from the past. We through this relief work are giving rise to another dependent generation of Kashmiris.

Socialization

2005-10-24T03:48:00.000-07:00

Today is Monday and in the morning I felt restlessness and agitation. I have tried to overcome my restlessness to some extent. It was such a strange feeling. I felt restless either I was sitting on a chair or standing somewhere. So many things were running inside my brain, my whole body was tensed; I could not concentrate initially on my work. It happens with me when I don’t find any solution to some problem or when my sixth sense warns me that something wrong is going to happen. I wish everything will remain calm and tranquil today. Here again I have identified an area in my personality which needs improvement, and i.e. stress management and coping without getting tensed.

The noteworthy activity of today was ‘touching base with’ the old and new contacts. In past I had become a very anti-social person. And today when I look back, I realize that I am out of everything, even my husband is not happy with me (I love him a lot and the thought of losing him is always very upsetting for me and no one will believe that I am always trying to make him happy), he has stopped sharing things with me and it worried me too much. I am beginning to hate my self created isolation, it is damaging my personality. I want to break all those self erected walls. Therefore I wrote emails to a few people today and now I am waiting for their response.

Today I am realizing that friends are such a valuable asset; one reason of my loneliness and frustration is that I don’t have any friend. All of my university friends have disappeared some where; and here I am living my life in a nut shell. I need to remind myself that I should practice patience and politeness in my every day dealings with others. Another new task for me is to make new acquaintances and become a chatter box. I don’t want to be exactly like others but I want people to consider me as a polite and well mannered and a social woman.

I have checked my email again and again but no one has yet responded to my call. I hope I’ll get some responses in a couple of days. I don’t know what you guys would be thinking about me ; you would be calling me psycho a nerd but you all should appreciate my efforts that I am trying to change my attitude which is not an easy task. I am identifying the traits of my personality which need to change. I hope tomorrow I’ll be a better individual, a better human being.

My New Blog at Yahoo 360' ( Crazy)

2005-10-20T06:01:00.000-07:00

I definitely have gone crazy and yes of course I am crazy (there is no doubt about it). Only in a few days time I have formed two blogs. I am deeply involved into any kind of activity which interests me a lot. The same is the case with blogging. I am a newbie to this blogging sphere but it has become my favorite pastime besides listening to music, reading or net surfing. There is nothing like blogging if one wants to keep oneself engaged into a constructive thought process.

My new blog is at Yahoo 360'. A couple of my friends are already using the Yaho0 360’. I also thought of forming my own blog to get connected with my friends (now a days the idea of staying alone is horrifying me). I can also write a comparison on which blog service among the two (Yahoo 360’ and Blogspot) is more user, offer more creative space to the users etc.

The challenge for me after materializing another blog is to keep both the blogs update at the same time. I am trying to post different things on both the blogs and in next couple of days I will define the nature of both the blogs based on whatever I am posting there. Whoever is interested in viewing my new blog can check the following link http://360.yahoo.com/dee_dee_deeeeeee

And since I lack technical knowledge on web hosting, therefore I am encountering many problems at the same time. Like I still don’t know yet how can I add or provide a link of my photo album from the Kodak Photo gallery to any of blog. Whatever I am doing is by hit and trail method. I hope I’ll learn things one day.

Back To My Blog

2005-10-18T03:46:00.000-07:00

After passing four days, I am updating my chronicles again. I was not in town and came back on Sunday night. At the moment, I am hungry and my mind is totally blank don’t know what to write. There are so many things pending on my end but I am doing nothing. Why I am so sluggish or is it those earthquake aftershocks shattering my nerves. Yeah earthquake aftershocks could be one reason. But whatever is the reason I need to divert my attention to my pending assignments. There is no other option left and I am already getting short of time. So tonite life is " little fun and more work ".

I chated with one of my online friend " Tina". She was a little disturbed today . I advised her to start ignoring people who deliberatly tease her and " keep her good faith high". I completed my offcial assignment and sent it to Dr Raana for her feedback. lets see when she will get back to me with her comments. In a few minutes I'll be going back to my home. I'll cook food and than go for running. Later on, I'll start working on " East-West Centre Scholarship".

The Definition of my Blog

2005-10-14T01:21:00.000-07:00

I like blogging because it is like reviving the old age tradition of writing one’s account in a diary in a modern way. This blog is my own breathing space in cyber – public domain. My blog would look like a crap to others but for me it has a lot of vlaue. I am taking it as an instrument of change and reflection. I am a very sensitive person and at times behaves like a child. Though I am not a shy person but on occasions I don’t speak up at all. This attitude frustates me and others equally. I dont want to repeat the same mistakes again and therefore here i am writing and expressing my feelings and thoughts regularly, to reflect , to interact more , to learn from my mistakes and as a result improvising my own life. I am trying to discover a new " I " who is gona be a more open and straightforward person. And the associated benefits of blogging is my free writing expression – which will get polished .

The definition of my blog in one line would be " It is a journey toward self discovery and an attempy to find an expression of myself".

Earthquake, state and media response

2005-10-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

Six days have passed since the devastating earthquake of magnitude 7.6 (on Richter scale) but those moments have been imprinted on everyone’s mind forever. The aftershock tremors are still jolting the country every now and than. The state is providing information to the people in bits and pieces regarding how long the tremors would continue. The day when the earthquake hit the whole country, the met department official announced on a local TV channel that the earthquake aftershocks would prevail till next 48 hours. After passing 48 hours, another announcement was made according to which aftershocks would last for at least a week. And yesterday night, the statement was revised and now the tremors will continue for four weeks. The government's strategy is logical enough if such information was passed to the public on the very first day than the resulting chaos would have been beyond the government’s control.

The media is also creating hype as far as earthquake is concerned. Instead of preparing people for the relief and emergency work it is spreading rumors. Yesterday an announcement was made on GEO TV that at 12:30 PM (local Pakistan time) an earthquake of high intensity will again hit the country. In Islamabad and everywhere, people got panicked again. Schools were closed and students were sent back home immediately, Blue area ( main commercial area in the capital ) was vacated and people came out on roads. In short it was a chaos created by single news spread by local TV without verification. I wonder what would be people’s reaction to such rumor (supposedly it is true) if spread next time, would they come out of buildings again. This non-professional attitude of media should be seriously avoided.

Another such idiocy which media and state actors are doing is putting everything on God . The statements from the president, prime minister and the other officials that the earthquake was a test of nation from God’s side. The local TV channels are also promoting various statements like “the earthquake is a result of our wrong doings, It was God’s wrath”, “we should obey God in letter and spirit and than we will be the saviors”. The recitation of such verses from Quran before president’s address underlining the earthquake and other natural calamites as a trial from God’s end is an attempt to divert people’s attention from government’s bad planning and failure to deal with the situation.

No one can deny that the October 8th earthquake was a natural catastrophe. But the question of how much government was ready for disaster management echoes everywhere. Pakistan is located in highly sensitive seismic region which makes “disaster preparedness and management strategy” inevitable for the government. The region has experienced a similar kind of earthquake in 1935 killing 30,000 people in Quetta. But our experience says that nothing of the sort exists here. The president and the state ministers are calling themselves the champions of good governance but they have no idea “what is good governance “. The disasters will not stop here and I wonder how long our government will keep denying the facts and imprinting on minds of innocent people “everything is written and decided by God and we are helpless”. Would government has an answer to the question “ why God keeps on testing the patience of only poor people”, “ why so many innocent children have died due to God’s wrath” , “ why the people who had resources survived” .

There are so many questions and we are getting only one answer “It was God’s will, no one could fight Allah so bear with it “. The government‘s disaster preparedness policy is non-existing especially at the grassroot level no such organization has been established by the government to enable common people carry out any disaster management work. We are looking toward foreign experts to deal with the situation. More than 80% of our budget spending is on defense and army is the strongest institute in the country. But we don’t know where are the army “Jawans” (young men) . The president in his speech said that army itself was unable to reach the earthquake affected area because infrastructure was badly damaged. But is not dealing with difficult situation one strong component of military training and if it is not so than Pakistan should not have such an army.

For the last six days I am reading website, watching on TV, and hearing from friends and colleagues reports and stories on the recent disaster. It is so much evident that even from technical point of view our government and army have no resources to handle such a situation. The relief work has paced a little since the time the foreign expert teams have joined the local rescue workers with modern equipments.

There are two things on which all the relief activity should focus and carry out side by side. The rescue of the survivors from rubble and wreckage and the distribution of basic items (food, warm clothes, tents, medicines, water etc) among the victims. The government authorities again lack any distribution strategy which is frustrating not only to the survivors who are waiting for help and for us too who are listening and watching the deadly stories. The President in his speech on 12th October acknowledged the slow pace of relief efforts and pleaded for more international aid. He said “the tragedy is much bigger than the capacity and capability of the government”.

The ridiculous TV reporting of earthquake affected areas which I had seen yesterday is unbelievable. The TV reporter was in Rawalakot asking a group of children whose faces were swallowed due to misery and they were weeping “kids you would be feeling cold”, “how you spend the night in this cold, Do you sleep in this cold “. Was not that reporter adding to the misery of those kids. I was surprised why that reporter was not given any guidelines on how to talk to the survivors, what should be asked and what should not be asked. If I was asked that stupid question at time when I would be sitting in cold shivering, I would have kicked that reporter’s ass.

I don’t know when national media would understand that if they are from media that does not mean they have the right to add to people’s miseries. They need to follow the reporting ethics if they at all exist somewhere. And the reporters especially need training on “public dealing in disasters”. I don’t know when our government will recognize that it is accountable to people as it is a people’s elected body. People have elected their representatives to think and materialize strategies for people’s welfare rather than saying “every disaster is from Allah and no one can fight with the Almighty so bear with it”. What is the point of living in a group, forming governments, if in the end everyone has to fight for his/her own survival battle alone. I don’t have any answer to this question…………..

My Blogging Experience

2005-10-13T02:51:00.000-07:00

I am a newbie to this blog sphere. I started blogging at the end of September 2005. I find it a very interesting medium for self reflection; catharsis; self analysis and last but not the least creativity. Everyday I am making a new entry to my blog no matter how tired I am. At many a times I get relaxed after recording my feelings in my blog whatever issue pinches me. My interest in my blog has reached to the point that whenever I am writing some new post for my blog, I am completely absorbed into it irrespective of what I am writing.

Nevertheless, I am not only developing an expression of mine but I am also spending my free time more creatively than ever before. Writing for my blog has removed my glitch “I can’t write anything concrete”. My writings are also improving and a certain degree of coherency is visible in all of my posts. I believe if I keep on writing in my blog regularly than after a month I can write for any newspaper. This is going to be my ultimate aim because I want professional visibility. I no more want to live my life anonymously.

I feel overwhelmed by this blogging exercise and now days I am trying to learn more and more about it. But there are so many technical aspects of creating and maintaining a blog that it makes me concentrate on only one aspect of my blog. 1. e. content. But I have developed new interest after visiting various blogs such as photography. But unfortunately I don’t have any digital camera to explore photography and give my blog an interesting look. I am planning to buy a camera, lets see if manage to buy my camera today. But because of Ramadan and the recent earthquake tragedy, shops are closing early.

My plan to market my blog is also underway; which is very important. I think my blog posts have entered into public domain and therefore everyone else has the right of reading whatever I have written there. Earlier, I visited various blogs and posted my blog URL there. But this has generated only 32 viewers. I have never seen my blog in recently updated list though I update it on regular basis. Today I feed my blog URL to various blog trackers like “Blogdigger”, “Ping-O-Matic”, and “Technorati” etc. I hope this action will attract more bloggers ‘traffic to my dear blog. But I should not stop thinking on how I can make my blog more interesting; how I can attract more people to drop by my blog etc.

I am happy that things are moving .

yesterday's Random thoughts

2005-10-12T12:03:00.000-07:00

Today , in the evening , we went for jogging . It was very quiet and dull there. We were back home by 9:00 PM. We decided to eat pizza because it was already too late for cooking naythign at home and also we had not eaten anything for the whoel day. For a few minutes i watched TV and listened to President Musharaf's speech to the nation. he made a very funny speech ( now i can understand well why he is called stupid in the international community) . Anyways after listening to the speech i took a shower and than I wore jeans and a full-sleves t-shirt because i was really feeling cold. But again he objected on my waering jeans and t-shirt and reminded me that i was not goign to any party. I was annoyed ( yeah i am short tempered and now a days I am working out to change this habit of mine. But you know one can not achiev behavioral change in a day) and i changed my dress and this time i wore " Shalwar and Qameez".

We went out, took a cab and arrived at jinnah Super. I wa really feeling cold because the weather outside has changed and i was wearing summer clothes. Well, we took a round of the market. The shopkeepers were trying to generate funds for the earthquake victims and some other organization's relief camps were also there.

I was happy to see these public efforts and enthusiasm that atleast people are not yet that insane. thr market was very barren at that time . We went to pizzahut ; it was very quiet there too i dont know for what reason ( may be because of Ramdan or the recent earthquake ). I ordred pizza and because i was angry therefore i sit silently. I was afraid that if i said somethign i wont be able to hold back whatever was cooking inside me. I ordered pizza and the drinks. the order was served quickly than usual. the pizza was tasteless therefore we preferred eating it silently and patiently.

after eating pizza , we paid the bill and were out silently. I started walking briskly because it was very chilly ouside. sooner we found a cab and drove toward our home. As soon as i entered home, i turned on the coputer and connected the internet. lots of thoughts were running paralle in my mind. I thought it a good idea to write whatever i was feeling in my blog not only to enlighten myself and get calmer

A while ago, i felt my chair shacking ; it was an earthquake again. just a few seconds before the earthquake, a crow started crowing . Now when i am looking back and analyzing the situation, i realize that these animals and birds are more close to nature than us human beings . there seems some trust relation between animals, birds and earth and thats why they can understand different moods of earth easily. this element of trust is missing in case of man and earth. Though we humans, get benifits from earth but we have build castles on it for our comfort and are deliberatly are keeping a distance. Thats why we are affected badly with changing moods of earth may it be in form of an earthquake or flood, or feminie etc.

The time when my chair started jolting, i thought it again that may be its an illusion. but the time i heard noise of shaking walls and everything around, i was assured no it was an " earthquake". the nearby house neighbours also came out of their house. two neighbour women started talking with each other. The woman A told woman B that tomorrow morning she will be leaving to some earthquake hit area ( i could not hear the area name properly) to bring her inlaws. her voice was shaking when she told the woman B the sufferings of victims of the earthquake. She said " that food is not an issue for those victims; prior to the earthquake all houses were full of food . they can search food from the rubble but what about cold. they are sitting in summer clothes and in only a four / five days time weather has changed. How they are going to fight chilly weather without warm clothes . I cant explain to you how much i am horrified; my feet shakes now as they don't have any strength while walking. " I thought about it for a while standing ouside, though i stood there only for five / seven minutes but i started feeling cold. I reliazed how factual woman A was " fighting with cold in summer colds would definately be a real battle for those who had already sufferd ".

Than my attention was diverted toward aman, whose mysterious movements were making me more worried, yeah i know he himself was worried; it was writen in his face. Than I came inside the house and started writing in my blog again hoping that no aftermath will come again. There is no harm in wishing!!

sweet dreams...........

Yesterday

2005-10-12T03:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday!!
Wondering why days pass so swiftly and why I am not working at the same speed. Yesterday which was once today and will remain yesterday forever in history, was again a kind of day when I was feeling very low. I wake up at the repeated honks of my taxi driver (I don’t own a car yet). I got ready in five minutes and rushed downstairs. I sat mindlessly in taxi looking around through the cab’s glass pan. It was sunny and green outside but the traffic was not much. I recalled the last year’s Ramadan when there was too much traffic at 8:00 AM which always resulted in a traffic jam at certain junctions. But this year, people are still trying to get over from the recent earthquake tragedy (7th October 2005). So there is less traffic on road. It appears as everyone has also forgotten the “Ramadan” and the only issue which is left for discussion is “earthquake, victims, relief efforts, death and causalities “.

I reached my office, hurried toward my computer. For the rest of the day I was sitting on my seat working and struggling with the machine. The computer really gave me a hard time, may be either I make the machine perform a great deal of work for me or I use it unnecessarily. But in today’s age I wonder how one can work without a desktop. The working pattern has changed so rapidly. The old paper and pencil work has been replaced by machine based work and every organization is trying to create a paper free work environment. But there are people who have not adopted the new working style. e.g. in my office room I can recall Dr Raana’s two fingers tick tick ( she types using only her two index fingers only) at times annoyed me and I usually go in fresh air to get a hold on my nerves.

Though, the computer screen was getting struck every now and than but I keep working and restarted the computer again and again. The IT person was on leave therefore nothing could be done with that machine at that time. The interesting thing for me yesterday was my “Blog” again. I posted “More on Earthquake” there. I also send my views and experience in a BBC blog “Are you affected by the earthquake” though my comments were not published. At 3:00 PM a heavy rain and hailstorm started again. My mind started wondering about the plight of victims of earthquake who were either sitting homeless in open or were alive and buried under the rubble. I felt very helpless at that time because I had no magic stick in my hand with which I could stop the rain and put everything back to its original place. At around 5:00 PM I left my office and went to meet Arshad Bhatti (a development person). The meeting was fine, he only wanted to meet me whereas and I had gone with this thought in my “he might give me some work”. Again it started raining again and it made the environment dark, cold and gloomy. I took a cab and went back home.

At home, I exchanged a few words with Aman. We had dinner together and than I surfed various blogs on internet. I was not feeling very high and there were thought coming into We watched “Ziggy Marley’s “We are one” and than we watched “Bjork” recorded concert. I enjoyed watching concert but my mind kept rumbling about human behavior. I recalled Bjork song’s “Human Behavior” lyrics

If you ever get close to a human

and human behavior

be ready to get confused

Yes we human beings confuse each other a lot and there is “No map to human behavior”. With these words echoing in my mind; I fell asleep.

More on Earthquake

2005-10-11T00:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had seen two kids and a mother rescued from the rubble of fallen Margalla Tower’s residential apartment. The scene was horrifying and it made me think about the number of people buried alive under that building wreckage. I wonder how long it would take to rescue all those people who are alive. The rubble has not been removed completely despite the fact that two days has passed. For the last two days I have heard about so many deaths and so many causalities which I have never heard in my whole life. and now i am scared of attending the telephone calls. The hospitals are also presenting a chaotic situation. They are running short of blood, medicines and space in particular. The victims are lying in make shift beds adjusted by the hospital administration in hospital lawns and open spaces waiting for some doctor to visit them. This is the case of the capital city Islamabad where government is concentrating and present. The situation of remote villages is more horrifying. The infrastructure has been damaged badly and the remote villages have not yet been supplied with any kind of aid. My office cook’s village (Rawalakot) has been wiped out by the earthquake and he and the rest of the survivors are spending the night in open spaces. Another of my colleague is searching for his lost relatives but he still has not found any. There seems no end to people’s miseries. Government and the local media are silent and not saying anything on “how people should behave in such a tragic situation”. But the encouraging thing is the civilians’ response to the situation. People and young school graduates have started collecting donations from people for the earthquake. I wish the government could advertise such individual and collective civilian initiatives to encourage people donate generously. But no such step has been taken yet. I have not seen any of the elected political leader coming forward and helping people atleast in fund-raising . Poors are left alone in this hour of need by their elected representatives.

To learn more about the earthquake please check the following links:http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/4329218.stm

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=16233686&method=full&siteid=94762&headline=south-asian-earthquake--60-of-my-family-are-dead--name_page.html

www.geo.tv

www.foxnews.com

www.dawn.com

" I Should Avoid " List

2005-10-08T04:39:00.000-07:00

Interpersonal communication is becoming a problem for me . For better communication i am making this " I should Avoid " list for myself. I think it will be good if i list down the blunders which i usually do and try avoiding them in future. I'll review this list time and again , will add whatever i think should be added to it and will delete the statements which i think i have successfully achieved. It is a behavioral change exercise for me and definately I'll achieve some attitudinal improvement through it. So here goes my list:

I'll be as much direct and straightforward in my communication with others as possible
I'll be socializing more ( otherwise i'll be alone as i am today)
I'll not argue unnecessarily ( Someone says that i argue because for me it is an existance issue, So i think i should put an end to it immediately because this way people get offencive )
I'll be taking care of myself ( physically, emotionally,psychologically)
I'll avoid passing value judgements
I'll add humor to my speech
I'll be as much polite as possible and will avoid my rude attitude ( while talking to anyone or in my public dealing )
I'll control my anger and will keep my spirits high
I'll try to change my impression of " angry young woman" on others
I'll try to be patient ( otherwise i am an impatient person)
I'll keep myself happy ( keep the moral high )
whatever i'll do, i'll not lose my passion and my drive ( otherwise I'll be a dead - woman-living )

to be continued............

What do you Say???

2005-10-08T00:07:00.000-07:00

Pakistan Earthquake ( my account) and appeal for donation

2005-10-07T23:22:00.000-07:00

I wake up in panic this morning at around 8:55 AM. I was dreaming something and felt everything shaking in dream. When I opened my eyes everything was really shaking and jolting. It was an earthquake which lasted for at least two minutes. I again went to my bedroom trying to get some sleep again because I slept only an hour ago. After only five seconds there was another aftershock tremor of the same intensity. Than I realized that this not something normal thing happening. I and my husband both ran toward terrace .Everyone in the area also came out of their houses in a fright. Noise of moving earth, shaking walls terrified me a lot.

A friend of mine called me after the first tremor. She was on the road going her office. She told me that the margalla tower (luxury apartments) comprising 60 flats in F-10 area had collapsed and the road from Parliament House to Margalla tower was blocked. My response was “Oh my goodness".

I connected the internet (we still are using the dial - up connection) for an update on earthquake and was annoyed after listening to the local TV reporting. They were creating more panic and they did not even bother to inform the masses that how long this will prevail. It sucks; after every now and than aftershocks were jolting the city. At the internet, I learnt, that the earthquake's radius was pretty big and it had hit more than 16 cities including the twin cities, Islamabad and Rawalpindi and Azad Jammu and Kashmir. In the capital (Islamabad) people were sitting in open spaces or outside their houses. The local TV reported that the aftershocks could continue for the next 48 hours.

The first thing that disturbed was the mobile network because everyone was calling to their dear ones if they were safe, which caused a lot of load on mobile network. Moreover, people who were not getting connected through telephonically thought of visiting the earthquake affected cities but airlines were the only mode of communication available and even the airline’s tickets were sold in black due to the emergency situation. I had never been into this kind of an emergency situation and it took me a lot of time to retain my senses. The worse thing was the State's response. It was apparent that the State machinery itself was not ready to handle the situation and it lacked any disaster preparedness or mitigation policy.

The aftershocks were felt even after different intervals within a time span of two hours and even afterwards. Some were of low intensity and some were of high one. The official machinery was unable to locate the intensity of the earthquake and the epicenter within initial two hours (Darn...). After passing three hours it was informed that the epicenter was 95 km north of Islamabad. I still can recall my condition at that moment. My body and mind were trying to grasp the situation around because it was so unexpected and shocking. It was hard for me to stand because my legs were trembling and I felt like having no strength at all. I don't know what would have happen to those who were affected real badly.

But I felt lonely and scared too. I was sitting on the sofa alone trying to concentrate and read the newspaper to divert my attention to something else. I was unable to forget that devastating tremor. I spent the whole afternoon writing in my blog because I wanted to keep myself in communication loop with others. So far at least 15 aftershocks have rattled the capital city and the surroundings. The intensity of these aftershocks vary between 7.6 - 6 on the Richter scale. Exact information about the causalities has not been reported yet but roughly massive devastation has been stated by the local media. We don’t know what state machinery is doing; BBC online news service was faster than the local TV and newspapers as it reported after 20 minutes about the intensity of the earthquake and its epicenter. I felt bad about living in a third world country where information dissemination is either too slow or the State is trying to hide the facts from the public for some unknown reason. It was really frustrating because people were not getting the right information at the right time and the result was a chaotic situation with lots of rumors around.

I was annoyed after listening to one of the minister’s (Sheikh Rashid ) statement given to a local TV “ Everything is so normal in the capital city, markets are open and traffic is moving”. At that time I questioned why he is denying what is happening right now and if he is not aware of the local community’s response than he should go and visit a few areas in Islamabad and Rawalpindi, where people have been paranoid and are sitting outside their houses fear any other unexpected earthquake.

My husband went out with one of his friend to the affected site (Margalla towers). He came after one hour and told me that people were sitting in F-9 Park (the biggest park in Islamabad). He also told me that President and the Prime minister had visited the devastated Margalla Apartment and they were photographed while standing on the wreckage of the Margalla tower under which lots of people are still trapped and waiting for the rescue operation. Ironic, Isn't it. Moreover the relief workers were asked to leave the place or stay at distance where president and prime minister had visited.

The worst thing happened was the heavy rain and hail storm which hindered the government's rescue work of getting the people out of wreckage of residential apartment. No one slept in the area that night. At around 2:00 am there was another aftershock tremor which drive us again to go back in the open. His aftershock tremor was followed by two consecutive tremors.

Two days have passed, but aftershock tremors are still continuing and will continue for a week as per official reports. But whatever has happened so far was enough to shatter our nerves. Yesterday night, I checked websites of major international / national organizations, TV Channel’s, national newspaper’s and political parties to see where I can suggest people to make donations. I was surprised to see that online appeal for donation was only requested at BBC website, Red Crescent’s website, Local television GEO’s website, local newspapers Jung and The News’ website and President Pervaiz Musharraf’s website. I questioned why all these organizations and newspaper agencies are not appealing on their website for donation to address the natural calamity; why they are ignoring the fact that now a days communication mode have changed and now more and more people are using internet. And if these organizations are making use of the online communication mode for funds generation than the are not accessing a whole lot of online user’s attention toward the tragedy of 8th October 2005.

I would request everyone reading this blog to please make your donations to the following local and international organizations:

1. President's Relief Fund for earthquake victims 2005: All proceeds on account of “President’s Relief Fund for earthquake victims 2005” and payment into the fund will be received at all branches of State Bank of Pakistan, all Treasures and branches of National Bank of Pakistan, all branches of Habib Bank Limited, United Bank Ltd, Muslim Commercial Bank Ltd. and Allied Bank Ltd.In foreign countries contributions will be received at Pakistan Missions and remitted to the State Bank of Pakistan.G-12 Special Deposit FundG-121-Relief FundG-12130-President’s Relief Fund for earthquake victims – 2005

1. Donate for Earthquake Victims
" Donations can be deposited in any branch of UBL in Pakistan giving following details.
Account Title : MKRF - Pakistan Earthquake Relief Fund
Bank Name United Bank Limited
Account No. 0102598-5
Branch Code 1234
Branch Name Al-Rehman Branch
Branch Address I. I. Chundrigar Road, Karachi , Pakistan

For international telegraphic transfer from any bank abroad also indicate
Swift Code
U N I L P K KA
Donate Rs. 3/= per SMS towards MKRF Relief Fund – SMS the word DONATE to 436 – Each SMS cost Rs. 3/= + taxes –Send as many SMS as you can. This is a joint effort by GEO, Mobilink and Ufone

3. www.unicef.org

4.http://www.ifrc.org/index.asp

Your contributions will be helpful in supplying immediate amenities ( food, sheltre, medical care) to the affected people. Thanks

Smile... Tomorrow will be worse

2005-10-06T23:46:00.000-07:00

You can not always control what goes on outside. But you can always control what goes on inside.

I agree fully to this statement. Self control is the most important thing . I need to remind it to myself as well that i am not into this world whatever happen outside my individual self is beyond my control because there other elements operating. So i should stop worrying if anything goes wrong despite my hard efforts to straighten the issue. I recall one of the corollary of Murphy's Law "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong and If anything can't go wrong, it will anyway".
I, at times try to ignore things happening around me but I cannot ignore everything becasue at times despite my hard efforts it is hard for me to overcome my emotions; I should be an emotionally mature woman .

The girl in the picture with her tongue out is me. It was taken early January this year in a hilly resort where i had organized a training workshop . I was not feeling well and was very much tired that day because of the hard work . But see you cant find any traces of tiredness on my face; surprisingly i am always smiling in pictures . I recall one of my high school friend's saying " you look like a very friendly and jolly person in pictures" . he he haaa heee haaaaa
I am a friendly person in real life too ; at times i suffer from mood swing disorder ( i call it a disorder ) and people call me nerd . I always try to get back on track ; not everyone is capable of doing that; so please dont run away from me .

He didn't even bothered to read my blog

2005-10-06T23:13:00.000-07:00

Well i dont know why all my efforts always go wasted. I started this blog to share my feelings with others especially with those whom i am living with ( my husband) . Two days ago, I opened my blog and asked Aman ( my sweet hubby) to have a look and read whatever i have posted there. He looked at the blog for a few seconds than he closed the site with the comment " that it could be made more interesting" and started doing something else .

Oh yo , he is the person who is always complaining about my not speaking up and now when i have started atleast sharing my thoughts he is not paying any attention to it. well yeah intellectually my blog is not that sound , i have not used many pictures because i dont have a camera but that does not mean it is just anything crap .

Anyways , does this mean that the blog is only for me and i am sahring my thoughts with myself . if i am sharing my thoughts with myself only than was not it i doing it before. yeah i always know whatever i am thinking about but the question is whether this blog would be useful for me by any means or not. I think it will be of great help to me in shaping up my thoughts and improving my writing skills and becoming a better communicator ( which i am not at the moment) which is my ultimate goal. So I should not bother if no one is paying any heed to my blog or my efforts and I should keep on writing for my blog. Its intersting to talk to oneself each day ; I'll become my own friend this way.

My Plans over the weekend ( A long to do List )

2005-10-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

I can not understand why days pass so swiftly and today always becomes yesterday. when i start looking at what I have achieved this weekend; there was nothing. This fact was enough for me to get frustrated. I am feeling as everyone around is working and I am not doing anything; i feel as I'm stucked somewhere again ( oh geez it sucks) . Well anyways , this time I am thinking of planning in advance and would try my best to do whatever i have decided for the weekend.

I have to read , whenever i find time I'll try to read ( I'll finish beginners series on " Heidegger" and than will try to write something about my life with refernce to Heideggar's theories)
I'll search for the Summer Courses for the upcoming year ( how hard I try and I never get anything; may be i am trying in the wrong direction. just disappointed with myself)
I have to start GRE Preparations from today and will do GRE practice tests as much as i can
I'll complete East-West Centre Fellowship Application. On monday I have to share it with Saeed ( referees should be given a call in advance on monday)
I'll write for my blog whenever any thought / idea comes to my mind
I'll try to be happy... I'll not stop Aman from visitng Lahore. Well if he is not interested in spending the weekend with me ( he gets bored and his attitude with me has changed a lot and it hurts) ; than i dont think i should ask him to stay with me . Nothing will happen to me if there is no one around, I'll not die but definately i'll be all alone.
I'll watch some movies ( again I've to take Aman's permission if I can touch his movie collection or not )
I'll join gym from today ; I want to be 100% fit !!!
and lastly I'll not waste my time only in " Sleeping " no not again .

A long to do list for the weekend. I'll get back to my blog on monday and will give a review of my weekend activities. at the moment i am hurring downstairs to join Chris and Dr Raana for UNICEF' meeting.

2005-10-06T02:17:00.000-07:00

Passion
Posted by Picasa

Isn't it cute????

2005-10-05T07:07:00.000-07:00

Rat Race

2005-10-05T01:47:00.000-07:00

One of my chat friend always uses a term " Rat Race" . She used it today again when i shared my blog with her. her comments were very insightful for me. She showd her concern on human race turning into a rat race. How true the fact is. With all this post modernization , technological revolution humans themselves have become the most invaluable commodity . Human dignity is a thing of past and human violance is the new emerging characteristic of so called modern humans. Despite this information age, where information flow very easily and is accessible ; we take any reporting on any happening as only a piece of information and throw it in the trash bin. lets not go too far and take the example of " America's led war against terrorism on Iraq and the recent war pronography issue" which raises too many ethical questions for those who directly a part of the so called war on terrorism and for us who are the information recipients ( what use we are making of whatever information we are recieving) . The human element is missing from all this . human element is dignity and regard for one another, the social and spiritual terms. Where has vanished spirituality and why we are trying to get only the scientific explanation of each and everything. We are controlled by market mafias and multinationals' politics over resources and there is no end to all this.

I remember reading the book " Brave New World" by " Aldous Huxely" . The book is a science fiction and it depicts a world in which human beings are made in laboratory from one geentic cell and are classified into various categories like Alpha, Beta, Gamma, delta and Epsilon etc as per their working. Lower casts of Delta, Gamma and Epsilons are further multiplied, thereby diluting their intelligence. Where Alphas represent the most civilized, sophisticated and intelligent breed ever produced. Everythingis predetermined like gender, social destiny, casts etc. Well are not we advancing in the direction the writer has expressed in the book . yes again, in all this powere struggle, politics and development human element is really missing. I'll end with Bob Marley's song " Rat Race" .

Uh! Ya too rude!Uh! Eh!

What a rat race!Oh,

what a rat race!Oh,

what a rat race! This is the rat race!

Rat race! (Rat race!)

Some a lawful, some a bastard, some a jacket:

Oh, what a rat race, yeah! Rat race!

Some a gorgon-a, some a hooligan-a, some a guine-gog-a

In this 'ere rat race, yeah! Rat race!

I'm singin' that

When the cat's away,

The mice will play.

Political voilence fill ya city,

ye-ah!

Don't involve Rasta in your say say;Rasta don't work for no C.I.A.

Rat race, rat race, rat race! Rat race,

I'm sayin':When you think is peace and safety:

A sudden destruction.

Collective security for surety,

ye-ah!

Don't forget your history;

Know your destiny:In the abundance of water,The fool is thirsty.

Rat race, rat race, rat race! Rat race! Oh,

it's a disgrace

To see the human-race

In a rat race, rat race!

You got the horse race;You got the dog race;

You got the human-race;

But this is a rat race, rat race!

( Dedicated to Tina )

Wasting my Time ( The more time I have the less I work)

2005-10-04T02:12:00.000-07:00

Yeah I waste a lot of time due to my laziness, demotivation or may be at times because of boredom. This disease of mine seems like an incurable one. I am trying to be the person i want to be in life with such a questionable attitude . I should have a proactive approach toward life otherwise i'll remain Sartre' s " No being at all". So to start with, I have to wake myself up ( wake up girl !!! Wake UP!!!) from the deep sleep of unconsciousness i have fallen into and take my body, brain and soul into the conscious harsh reality. Yes of course there is no one else who will perform such a task on my behalf ...Its only me who can do it for myself .

Who Am I

I still don’t knowthe answer

to this question ( Is not it a tricky question)

till this moment I have been living in different roles

and faces everyone's expectation

to perform these various characters as they want

and they negate my whole living body

my breathing soul

they tried giving me an impression

that I am "No Being at All"

there are very few instances

when I am being myself

when I am really conscious of my whole being

but this never lasts long

and the various voices push me back to my various characters

drag me to the so called reality

In which I am living in a sleepy state ( my mind is sleeping sushhh!!!! )

my mechanical movements are spiritless

what I can only feel is I turning into a machine

that can laugh and weep at times ( interesting is not it)

So I have turned into a machine with very little human emotions

Did my mother give birth to a machine or the human being ?

or giving birth was the first step in making of human machines

a step toward demystifying identity

And now I am searching for my missing part -- my human part

which I lost somewhere when i as turned into " Being for Others "

I am pleading everyone to let my soul free (if any free should exist here)

let me find who I Am

before I Die ( machines also die don’t you think so!)

My Expereince While Running

2005-10-04T02:11:00.001-07:00

Recently I have started jogging out . Oh my goodness, I feel so great . I feel every pore of my skin breathing, sweating and relaesing heat waves to the atmosphere. I feel the presence of my arms ( yes they exist), my legs, my belly, my skull with brain inside.... my body parts which i usually take for granted without acknowledging how much help each of my body part offer me everyday ; how they are observing the commands each day extended by my brain in doing everything . I have also come to realize that my body is a complex unit comprising many single units i which each single unit ahs some specific tasks assigned . The body chemistry changes if any of the single units are affected in any way. so i think every single living cell of the body matters and is important.

I must say while running i am passing through the most waking state one could be in .Yes I would call it a waking state because I am communicating with each of my body part and vice versa. Is not it great if ur skin tells u how much heat ur body produces everyday . Is not it awasome when i feel how much in rhythm my body parts are with each other , how much energy I am hiding in my whole being . Is not it an opportunity for me to encounter with my being everyday ( wow I am meeting with myself everday ). Believe me its something incredible and I have started giving myself and my body the due credit ( you are doing great girl, you are physically fit and active, there is no one like you in this whole world, dont lose your passion, keep it up even if the life and people suck) . Keep running and keep exploring; this is the message to me and I am keeping my fingers crossed for my next adventure, It could be Cycling ( U never Know) !

My Poem: My Expression

2005-10-04T02:11:00.000-07:00

A narrow escape
Sleep
A strange world
Dreams
How close they are to reality
I slept today (though I sleep everyday)
And I dreamt
In my dream
I was with characters
Of my real life ( or they were looking like real men and women)
And a few imaginative
Were all those characters
I met in my dream
were imagination of my mind ( geez I was their creator )
I chatted with them
They were running
leaving various colored light rays behind them
everything was changing and moving ( there was nothing constant )
I ran after them
Chased them
Scared of their human faces and voices
the sparkling colored lights
the sudden prevalent darkness and silence
When I woke up
There was light in the room
I was alone with a strange feeling
I could feel my body and mind engulfed
In a sea of perplexity
Trying to differentiate
Between dream and reality
Between imagination and creation
Between darkness and light
At that moment
I realized
The blessing of light upon me
Light rescued me
Otherwise
I would have transformed
Into a ghost
living in my own imaginative world with my own imagined characters ( Which Creator lives with his / her own creations )
Running and whispering
Hollow voices
Into the bewilderment of my dreams
If there was no light
There was no way out
Of that imaginative world
Of dream
of sleep

My Daily Diary ( Friday, September 30, 2005

2005-10-04T02:10:00.000-07:00

Today is Friday. I wake up at my usual time ( i dont like getting up in the morning, It sucks) and took a quick shower. My cab driver was waiting for me downstairs, I apologized him for being late and than he drove me to my office. There was nothing special at office, the routine stuff , I called a few people, attended a meeting, replied email messages, worked on PCA document for UNICEF, chated with my colleagues ( I am not a chatter box normally but i have to utter some routine sentences to everyone for socializing ; my husband says that if i am living in europe than this attitude of mine will be considered abnormal and I'll be offerd some kinda treatment there. I dont know what to do ; in a family like ours, we as kids were always given a shut up call whenever we had soemthing to discuss and as an aftereffect of that childhood training and treatment, I am expressing and talking less than others. Now a days i am trying hard to change this habit of mine. I have startyed this blog just to express myself more and more... not a bad idea what do you say ).

I did my routine office work and was annoyed because the office was pretty boring today.I listened to some old 70's Rock tunes on internet radio . I made a list of my Monday's meetings ( i dont like mondays; everyone seems in a rush like state especially on mondays and forget that they are human beings too) .I am going to my native town today and will spend the weekend over there with my family . Ohhh the uncomfortable four hours bus travel is really dreadful; I'll be living at my mom's place, will have my hair cut ( yeah i am lookimng forward to have a hair cut) , will roam around in the city, will do some window shopping and than i'll be coming back either on Sunday night or monday morning. My husband will again fight with me on returning back from Lahore on Sunday.... i dont know when he will start understanding me.... so in order to avoid a fight I'll suggest him that we can start back early morning on ....Now I am going home to awake my sleepy husband..... he loves living in a sleepy state now a days ( but than this is none of my business; ) I always wonder how much time of our life we human beings spend either by sleeping or being in a sleepy state; though we all know that this life is given to us all for once....Monday is going to be a hectic day for me; My Bosses will be around that day ( ha ha haaaaaa) and there will be lot of unexpected work . I'll get back to my diary on monday or may be at sunday night with my expereince of visiting my native town.

Me ( Something No one Knows )

2005-10-04T02:03:00.000-07:00

I was born on 13th April in Lahore ( Pakistan)
I’m very passionate, sensitive and a caring person
I like wearing active and easy to manage clothes ( though my sweetheart minds me wearing jeans --- yeah I can understand the cultural constraint)
I enjoy listening to Bob Marley , Yes ( in particular ) and other great musicians / music bands with my husband
I learnt the art of appreciating good music and great movies from my husband
I was lost at the age of five and since that day I am a lost soul
I’m a vegetarian
I’m easy going ( yeah at times my attitude is difficult to comprehend for others )
I appreciate creative men and women
I think I am not an ordinary girl ( yeah I look smart )
I like yellow, green and orange colors
I love fighting with my husband ( and I always regret after a fight )
I want to be fit and active physically and I always try to be one ( I have started work out again)
I am a hard worker but at times I waste a lot of time ( my laziness sucks)
I surf internet a lot and I am an addict
I’m a day-dreamer ( my dreams are always full of colors and speed )
I can exclude myself from my surroundings very easily ( weird )
I am trying to find an expression of myself
I want to be as sweet and polite as my mother
I always aim high but at times get disappointed
I love traveling but I don’t have any funds ( by nature I am a bag packer)
I often give shocks to people
I don’t like getting up in the morning, it sucks ( I always get up in frenzy )
I hate Mondays ( Mondays are always tiring )
I enjoy reading when I have the mood ( I have read Salman Rushdi, Gabriel Garcia Marqueze, Maxim Gorky, Sartre, Joseph Conrad so far)
I was not a very bright kid but I have turned into a very bright young woman
I try hard to please others but people are never satisfied
I don’t mind drinking and smoking ( I like my altered state after drinking)
I can’t control my anger ( how hard I try )
I’m a star gazer
I become happy on small things and gets angry the same way
I dislike sleeping ( though I sleep because of my fragile body)
I can’t control my yawns when I am bored ( my body’s automatic reaction)
I am very childish ( my husband always ask me to grow up )
I wish I could go out with my husband on vacation ( we have never been out together to any place except dining out together)
I try learning from my mistakes
I don’t know at times how hard I want to say something and I end up speaking nothing
but that does not mean that I am shy or I have any kind of inhabitions
I have many chat friends
I can get inspiration even from a kid ( Would you believe I really was inspired from an 11 year old girl )
I am very energetic and don’t know where to consume all that energy, therefore I have started running , reading and thinking ( don’t get surprised , yeah I think too)
geez.. i am equally capable of talking crap at times ( ha haaaa haaaa)