Tired and Bored
I am so tired after washing clothes and am bored to death after watching TV....this talking machines sucks . None of my friend is online ( damn i still have more chat friends than friends in real life) . Yesterday night i watched " Deepa Mehta'" " fire. This movie is on lesbians relationship in India ( i would say it happens in Pakistan and Bangladesh too, because these countries have the same culture to some extent) .Today i washed pile of clothes, than had gone out for dinner. I was back at 12:00 AM, watched TV for atleast two hours and than got bored again. How easily i can get bored.. damn me...and here i am back to my baby blog thinking what to do.. realization taht i am living in a very bore place causes more frustration inside me.. but i dont know if ever would be able to live in some other country at some other place.the weather has changed and its winter now. Darkness overcomes light too early here becasue of which i can't go for running. when we ' woman' will be emancipated.. dont know again.. i should get a car now.. this is the time.. Now i am becoming a multi-tasking mind person. I am writing in my blog, talking to my hubby and at the same time i am chatting one my dear friend. Great isn't it.. not everyone can do it. Now i am bored of writing now.. will get back to this space of mine tomorrow...
Eid Gifts Distribution @ Red Crescent Relief Camp
“ Please join us for Eid gifts distribution among children at Red Crescent Relief Camp Rawalpindi @ 11:30 AM today “ was the message I received from Noreen Mirza, President Rotary Rohatas Rawalpindi today. I decided to take a few hours out for this activity despite I was occupied with completing my East-West Center application. I left my office at 11:00 AM in a cab and headed toward the relief camp. When I reached there at 11:30 AM, I found no member of Rotary club present there. I inquired the club administrator if any delegate from Rotary Club Rawalpindi was expected today or not and received a reply in negative.
I thought for a while standing outside the building where the relief camp was set up thinking what to do. I decided to meet the displaced families and children on my own. I also sent sms to Noreen inquiring when she would reach and immediately got her reply “ I’ll reach shortly”. Many people were moving from here and there with an aim of distributing eid gifts to the October 2005 earthquake affectees. A few of the affectees were sitting outside in the sun. The Relief Camp administrator informed me about some “ Big General’s wife visit” because which the rest of the organizations were asked to wait till evening. “ Its good to be a Big Shot here you can straightened out things for yourself while disturbing things for the rest“ I thought.
In the meanwhile Noreen arrived at the site and we went upstairs where mostly women and children were sitting to receive their gifts. The distribution operation was a total chaos. There were many women complaining, “ We have not received anything yet” though holding some bag in their hands. A few wanted to change the gifts they received because what they had got was either of no use to them or they disliked the donations. The distributed items included clothes for kids and women, toiletries, towel, shampoo and money. Later I discovered that all these accessories were collected and distributed without considering the utility factor.
Women surrounded each visitor to get their share of the gifts. There was no record of who has received what so far. The camp manager retorted at many kids and women and pushed them away with his hands. On inquiry replied that there is no other way of controlling these people. A volunteer who was standing besides me said, “ these people have received so many things in a few days which they would have never imagined through out their life”. I asked her if she knew this fact than why she was here to make donation in kind (the women had some 2000 Rupees which she wanted to give to the children as eidee) and got no answer from her.
Noreen asked me to give the gift packs to the kids, which I did after checking whether the suit inside the gift pack was fit to the kid or not. It was a hectic job or at least I made my it difficult myself. I noticed others giving the full gift packet without confirming whether the gifts distributed would be of any use for the receiver, I decided to stick to my own way of distribution. “ Kids still remember me” I thought when a few of them waved their hands and passed smiles to me. A girl child complained, “ on your last visit you had written my name incorrectly on my bag “, I apologized her, talked to her for a while and went toward other kids. They were sitting silently with miseries on their faces and questions in their eyes. . A 14-year-old boy asked me when would he go back to Muzzafarabad of which I had no answer. I asked him why he wanted to go back to Muzzafarabad he said “ Everyday we are visited by many strange people, I don’t like meeting them but I have been ordered by the camp manager that I have to sit here everyday and encounter whoever is coming. I can’t forget what devastation I have seen and experienced myself on October 8th 2005 and what I am experiencing in this camp. I missed my home because that was my place, I am a stranger in a strange land ”.
“ Are not we making their life more miserable” I asked myself and looked around and found my answer in positive. I felt as if we all were humiliating the affectees by giving them gifts (in kind and cash both) and giving them a message by our gestures “ they are less human than us”. The women were fighting over distribution “ I have an injured 2 years baby boy, please give me two-years child’s clothing”, “ I have not received anything why don’t you give me something”, were the voices around me. I could not figured out why we all were trying to turn them into real time beggars; I felt embarrassed every time when any women came with her hands spread before me requesting for the packed gift items.
I talked to a few people who were there to give eid gifts and shared my concerns with them. Every time when I interrogated “ why you are giving these items without thinking to these people” I received a reply “ Are you nuts. Don’t you see these people deserve our sympathies, care and support in every way. Whatever we are giving them is a kind of support”. “ But would this support be available for them after passing three or four months”, “ Are not we making them handicapped and dependent on us” and got no satisfactory answer regarding their future planning except “ This is relief work, don’t you think so”.
I bombarded them with many questions like, “ Why you are only concentrating your relief efforts in relief camps set in cities like Rawalpindi and Islamabad where already there are so many organizations working, Don’t you think you are replicating by visiting the same places where big relief organizations are already present, Do you think donating in kind and cash is the only support which could be extended to these victims, Why you are not at all thinking about psychological counseling” and again I received the same kind of response which I was given earlier .“ We have very little time left, please stop questioning and let us distribute things among women and kids”. I left them with their distribution activity, bade farewell to the kids and went outside the building because the site of the relief work and my own experience was becoming more and more unbearable for me.
Eid Gifts Distribution @ Red Crescent Relief Camp
“ Please join us for Eid gifts distribution among children at Red Crescent Relief Camp Rawalpindi @ 11:30 AM today “ was the message I received from Noreen Mirza, President Rotary Rohatas Rawalpindi today. I decided to take a few hours out for this activity despite I was occupied with completing my East-West Center application. I left my office at 11:00 AM in a cab and headed toward the relief camp. When I reached there at 11:30 AM, I found no member of Rotary club present there. I inquired the club administrator if any delegate from Rotary Club Rawalpindi was expected today or not and received a reply in negative.
I thought for a while standing outside the building where the relief camp was set up thinking what to do. I decided to meet the displaced families and children on my own. I also sent sms to Noreen inquiring when she would reach and immediately got her reply “ I’ll reach shortly”. Many people were moving from here and there with an aim of distributing eid gifts to the October 2005 earthquake affectees. A few of the affectees were sitting outside in the sun. The Relief Camp administrator informed me about some “ Big General’s wife visit” because which the rest of the organizations were asked to wait till evening. “ Its good to be a Big Shot here you can straightened out things for yourself while disturbing things for the rest“ I thought.
In the meanwhile Noreen arrived at the site and we went upstairs where mostly women and children were sitting to receive their gifts. The distribution operation was a total chaos. There were many women complaining, “ We have not received anything yet” though holding some bag in their hands. A few wanted to change the gifts they received because what they had got was either of no use to them or they disliked the donations. The distributed items included clothes for kids and women, toiletries, towel, shampoo and money. Later I discovered that all these accessories were collected and distributed without considering the utility factor.
Women surrounded each visitor to get their share of the gifts. There was no record of who has received what so far. The camp manager retorted at many kids and women and pushed them away with his hands. On inquiry replied that there is no other way of controlling these people. A volunteer who was standing besides me said, “ these people have received so many things in a few days which they would have never imagined through out their life”. I asked her if she knew this fact than why she was here to make donation in kind (the women had some 2000 Rupees which she wanted to give to the children as eidee) and got no answer from her.
Noreen asked me to give the gift packs to the kids, which I did after checking whether the suit inside the gift pack was fit to the kid or not. It was a hectic job or at least I made my it difficult myself. I noticed others giving the full gift packet without confirming whether the gifts distributed would be of any use for the receiver, I decided to stick to my own way of distribution. “ Kids still remember me” I thought when a few of them waved their hands and passed smiles to me. A girl child complained, “ on your last visit you had written my name incorrectly on my bag “, I apologized her, talked to her for a while and went toward other kids. They were sitting silently with miseries on their faces and questions in their eyes. . A 14-year-old boy asked me when would he go back to Muzzafarabad of which I had no answer. I asked him why he wanted to go back to Muzzafarabad he said “ Everyday we are visited by many strange people, I don’t like meeting them but I have been ordered by the camp manager that I have to sit here everyday and encounter whoever is coming. I can’t forget what devastation I have seen and experienced myself on October 8th 2005 and what I am experiencing in this camp. I missed my home because that was my place, I am a stranger in a strange land ”.
“ Are not we making their life more miserable” I asked myself and looked around and found my answer in positive. I felt as if we all were humiliating the affectees by giving them gifts (in kind and cash both) and giving them a message by our gestures “ they are less human than us”. The women were fighting over distribution “ I have an injured 2 years baby boy, please give me two-years child’s clothing”, “ I have not received anything why don’t you give me something”, were the voices around me. I could not figured out why we all were trying to turn them into real time beggars; I felt embarrassed every time when any women came with her hands spread before me requesting for the packed gift items.
I talked to a few people who were there to give eid gifts and shared my concerns with them. Every time when I interrogated “ why you are giving these items without thinking to these people” I received a reply “ Are you nuts. Don’t you see these people deserve our sympathies, care and support in every way. Whatever we are giving them is a kind of support”. “ But would this support be available for them after passing three or four months”, “ Are not we making them handicapped and dependent on us” and got no satisfactory answer regarding their future planning except “ This is relief work, don’t you think so”.
I bombarded them with many questions like, “ Why you are only concentrating your relief efforts in relief camps set in cities like Rawalpindi and Islamabad where already there are so many organizations working, Don’t you think you are replicating by visiting the same places where big relief organizations are already present, Do you think donating in kind and cash is the only support which could be extended to these victims, Why you are not at all thinking about psychological counseling” and again I received the same kind of response which I was given earlier .“ We have very little time left, please stop questioning and let us distribute things among women and kids”. I left them with their distribution activity, bade farewell to the kids and went outside the building because the site of the relief work and my own experience was becoming more and more unbearable for me.
A Visit to Red Crescent’s Relief Camp near Holy Hospital Rawalpindi:
Today I received a text message from Noreen Mirza (President Rotary Rohtas Rawalpindi). She was asking if I could join her at Red Crescent Relief Camp established in a marriage hall near Holy Hospital. She was supposed to distribute some school bags among school children staying at the Red Crescent Relief Camp. I replied in positive as I wanted to observe to what extent organizations are involved in relief work. I reached at 11:00 AM at the relief camp, Noreen and others were already standing outside the building waiting for other members of Rawalpindi Rohtas Club. I greeted them and than observed silently the displaced people walking around me. I noticed an old man who was walking straight giving an impression as he had lost everything. I went straight toward him, greeted him and inquired what was bothering him. He looked at me for a couple of minutes and than started weeping. The camp in-charge came to my rescue and immediately took the old man inside the camp. Later I came to know that the old man had lost his whole family and his house and he was under shock. There were around 135 families living in that camp and every family had the same kind of story. 40 of the families had already left either to the same place (Muzafaraabd and Bagh) or some families had shifted to their relatives living in Islamabad / Rawalpindi.
In the meanwhile, Noreen asked me to accompany her upstairs as the entire rotary club members had arrived. We went upstairs where the camp management had established a temporary school for the displaced children. Some other organization’s representatives were already present there distributing toys among children and taking photographs. They were exerting their whole strength in taking photographs with the children rather than talking to children and providing a cushion to them. I asked the camp administrator if such type of activity happens there everyday. The camp administrator blurted out his whole frustration before me. He and the volunteer teachers told me that this happened everyday and they were unable to stop such activities and such organizations who were visiting the camp to be in the news. They said that people especially the children were still under trauma and they needed psychological counseling. A volunteer teacher introduced me with a young girl who was not willing to set her foot on floor due to fear of earthquake”. The camp administration could not yet provide psychological counseling to these affectees.
While I was talking to the camp administrator and the volunteer teachers, Noreen and other Rotary club members started distributing bags among children. I let go of the volunteer teachers and the camp administrator and joined Noreen and her team. They were doing the same thing, taking their pictures with kids while distributing bags. The activity was really looking like a forged one and lacked any kind of spirit. I was in a great fix and to get myself out of this situation I started writing names on children’s bags given to them by Noreen and also did some chit chat with them to bring some laughter on their innocent faces.
There were kids between 4-16 years f age and they all were sitting together. Many of them had injuries. Everyone among them was missing his / her home but they had no idea how long would they stay at this relief camp. A 14 years old boy told me that all of the schools in Muzzafarabad had collapsed due to earthquake except his school. He said we came out of our school building when second aftershock jolted Muzzafarabad. Another boy said that around 200 hundred students of his school were dead and many got injured. I heard similar stories from boys and girls while talking and writing their names on their bags. I was so busy talking to them that I could not realize that I was left alone there with those kids and the rest of the people were standing and waiting for me on stairs outside that erected tent school. I wave good-bye to the kids and also came out of that temporary tent with lots of questions in my mind.
I wondered why relief organizations were not prioritizing the immediate needs of the affectees. I could not understand the reason behind distributing school bags with notebooks among children of whatever age group they belong to. I recalled my experience of visiting an Afghan refugee camp in Chaman (Quetta) where due to abundance of aid thrown by the relief organizations; the afghan refuges were not willing to go back to their homeland. The relief money had created a dependency to this level that if they were asked to send their children to school they were demanding dollars (give us dollars and we will send our children to school). I compared the two relief efforts and came to the conclusion that relief organizations and government has not learnt from the past. We through this relief work are giving rise to another dependent generation of Kashmiris.
Socialization
Today is Monday and in the morning I felt restlessness and agitation. I have tried to overcome my restlessness to some extent. It was such a strange feeling. I felt restless either I was sitting on a chair or standing somewhere. So many things were running inside my brain, my whole body was tensed; I could not concentrate initially on my work. It happens with me when I don’t find any solution to some problem or when my sixth sense warns me that something wrong is going to happen. I wish everything will remain calm and tranquil today. Here again I have identified an area in my personality which needs improvement, and i.e. stress management and coping without getting tensed.
The noteworthy activity of today was ‘touching base with’ the old and new contacts. In past I had become a very anti-social person. And today when I look back, I realize that I am out of everything, even my husband is not happy with me (I love him a lot and the thought of losing him is always very upsetting for me and no one will believe that I am always trying to make him happy), he has stopped sharing things with me and it worried me too much. I am beginning to hate my self created isolation, it is damaging my personality. I want to break all those self erected walls. Therefore I wrote emails to a few people today and now I am waiting for their response.
Today I am realizing that friends are such a valuable asset; one reason of my loneliness and frustration is that I don’t have any friend. All of my university friends have disappeared some where; and here I am living my life in a nut shell. I need to remind myself that I should practice patience and politeness in my every day dealings with others. Another new task for me is to make new acquaintances and become a chatter box. I don’t want to be exactly like others but I want people to consider me as a polite and well mannered and a social woman.
I have checked my email again and again but no one has yet responded to my call. I hope I’ll get some responses in a couple of days. I don’t know what you guys would be thinking about me ; you would be calling me psycho a nerd but you all should appreciate my efforts that I am trying to change my attitude which is not an easy task. I am identifying the traits of my personality which need to change. I hope tomorrow I’ll be a better individual, a better human being.
My New Blog at Yahoo 360' ( Crazy)
I definitely have gone crazy and yes of course I am crazy (there is no doubt about it). Only in a few days time I have formed two blogs. I am deeply involved into any kind of activity which interests me a lot. The same is the case with blogging. I am a newbie to this blogging sphere but it has become my favorite pastime besides listening to music, reading or net surfing. There is nothing like blogging if one wants to keep oneself engaged into a constructive thought process.
My new blog is at Yahoo 360'. A couple of my friends are already using the Yaho0 360’. I also thought of forming my own blog to get connected with my friends (now a days the idea of staying alone is horrifying me). I can also write a comparison on which blog service among the two (Yahoo 360’ and Blogspot) is more user, offer more creative space to the users etc.
The challenge for me after materializing another blog is to keep both the blogs update at the same time. I am trying to post different things on both the blogs and in next couple of days I will define the nature of both the blogs based on whatever I am posting there. Whoever is interested in viewing my new blog can check the following link http://360.yahoo.com/dee_dee_deeeeeee
And since I lack technical knowledge on web hosting, therefore I am encountering many problems at the same time. Like I still don’t know yet how can I add or provide a link of my photo album from the Kodak Photo gallery to any of blog. Whatever I am doing is by hit and trail method. I hope I’ll learn things one day.
Back To My Blog
After passing four days, I am updating my chronicles again. I was not in town and came back on Sunday night. At the moment, I am hungry and my mind is totally blank don’t know what to write. There are so many things pending on my end but I am doing nothing. Why I am so sluggish or is it those earthquake aftershocks shattering my nerves. Yeah earthquake aftershocks could be one reason. But whatever is the reason I need to divert my attention to my pending assignments. There is no other option left and I am already getting short of time. So tonite life is " little fun and more work ".
I chated with one of my online friend " Tina". She was a little disturbed today . I advised her to start ignoring people who deliberatly tease her and " keep her good faith high". I completed my offcial assignment and sent it to Dr Raana for her feedback. lets see when she will get back to me with her comments. In a few minutes I'll be going back to my home. I'll cook food and than go for running. Later on, I'll start working on " East-West Centre Scholarship".
The Definition of my Blog
I like blogging because it is like reviving the old age tradition of writing one’s account in a diary in a modern way. This blog is my own breathing space in cyber – public domain. My blog would look like a crap to others but for me it has a lot of vlaue. I am taking it as an instrument of change and reflection. I am a very sensitive person and at times behaves like a child. Though I am not a shy person but on occasions I don’t speak up at all. This attitude frustates me and others equally. I dont want to repeat the same mistakes again and therefore here i am writing and expressing my feelings and thoughts regularly, to reflect , to interact more , to learn from my mistakes and as a result improvising my own life. I am trying to discover a new " I " who is gona be a more open and straightforward person. And the associated benefits of blogging is my free writing expression – which will get polished .
The definition of my blog in one line would be " It is a journey toward self discovery and an attempy to find an expression of myself".
Earthquake, state and media response
Six days have passed since the devastating earthquake of magnitude 7.6 (on Richter scale) but those moments have been imprinted on everyone’s mind forever. The aftershock tremors are still jolting the country every now and than. The state is providing information to the people in bits and pieces regarding how long the tremors would continue. The day when the earthquake hit the whole country, the met department official announced on a local TV channel that the earthquake aftershocks would prevail till next 48 hours. After passing 48 hours, another announcement was made according to which aftershocks would last for at least a week. And yesterday night, the statement was revised and now the tremors will continue for four weeks. The government's strategy is logical enough if such information was passed to the public on the very first day than the resulting chaos would have been beyond the government’s control.
The media is also creating hype as far as earthquake is concerned. Instead of preparing people for the relief and emergency work it is spreading rumors. Yesterday an announcement was made on GEO TV that at 12:30 PM (local Pakistan time) an earthquake of high intensity will again hit the country. In Islamabad and everywhere, people got panicked again. Schools were closed and students were sent back home immediately, Blue area ( main commercial area in the capital ) was vacated and people came out on roads. In short it was a chaos created by single news spread by local TV without verification. I wonder what would be people’s reaction to such rumor (supposedly it is true) if spread next time, would they come out of buildings again. This non-professional attitude of media should be seriously avoided.
Another such idiocy which media and state actors are doing is putting everything on God . The statements from the president, prime minister and the other officials that the earthquake was a test of nation from God’s side. The local TV channels are also promoting various statements like “the earthquake is a result of our wrong doings, It was God’s wrath”, “we should obey God in letter and spirit and than we will be the saviors”. The recitation of such verses from Quran before president’s address underlining the earthquake and other natural calamites as a trial from God’s end is an attempt to divert people’s attention from government’s bad planning and failure to deal with the situation.
No one can deny that the October 8th earthquake was a natural catastrophe. But the question of how much government was ready for disaster management echoes everywhere. Pakistan is located in highly sensitive seismic region which makes “disaster preparedness and management strategy” inevitable for the government. The region has experienced a similar kind of earthquake in 1935 killing 30,000 people in Quetta. But our experience says that nothing of the sort exists here. The president and the state ministers are calling themselves the champions of good governance but they have no idea “what is good governance “. The disasters will not stop here and I wonder how long our government will keep denying the facts and imprinting on minds of innocent people “everything is written and decided by God and we are helpless”. Would government has an answer to the question “ why God keeps on testing the patience of only poor people”, “ why so many innocent children have died due to God’s wrath” , “ why the people who had resources survived” .
There are so many questions and we are getting only one answer “It was God’s will, no one could fight Allah so bear with it “. The government‘s disaster preparedness policy is non-existing especially at the grassroot level no such organization has been established by the government to enable common people carry out any disaster management work. We are looking toward foreign experts to deal with the situation. More than 80% of our budget spending is on defense and army is the strongest institute in the country. But we don’t know where are the army “Jawans” (young men) . The president in his speech said that army itself was unable to reach the earthquake affected area because infrastructure was badly damaged. But is not dealing with difficult situation one strong component of military training and if it is not so than Pakistan should not have such an army.
For the last six days I am reading website, watching on TV, and hearing from friends and colleagues reports and stories on the recent disaster. It is so much evident that even from technical point of view our government and army have no resources to handle such a situation. The relief work has paced a little since the time the foreign expert teams have joined the local rescue workers with modern equipments.
There are two things on which all the relief activity should focus and carry out side by side. The rescue of the survivors from rubble and wreckage and the distribution of basic items (food, warm clothes, tents, medicines, water etc) among the victims. The government authorities again lack any distribution strategy which is frustrating not only to the survivors who are waiting for help and for us too who are listening and watching the deadly stories. The President in his speech on 12th October acknowledged the slow pace of relief efforts and pleaded for more international aid. He said “the tragedy is much bigger than the capacity and capability of the government”.
The ridiculous TV reporting of earthquake affected areas which I had seen yesterday is unbelievable. The TV reporter was in Rawalakot asking a group of children whose faces were swallowed due to misery and they were weeping “kids you would be feeling cold”, “how you spend the night in this cold, Do you sleep in this cold “. Was not that reporter adding to the misery of those kids. I was surprised why that reporter was not given any guidelines on how to talk to the survivors, what should be asked and what should not be asked. If I was asked that stupid question at time when I would be sitting in cold shivering, I would have kicked that reporter’s ass.
I don’t know when national media would understand that if they are from media that does not mean they have the right to add to people’s miseries. They need to follow the reporting ethics if they at all exist somewhere. And the reporters especially need training on “public dealing in disasters”. I don’t know when our government will recognize that it is accountable to people as it is a people’s elected body. People have elected their representatives to think and materialize strategies for people’s welfare rather than saying “every disaster is from Allah and no one can fight with the Almighty so bear with it”. What is the point of living in a group, forming governments, if in the end everyone has to fight for his/her own survival battle alone. I don’t have any answer to this question…………..
